The Top Ten Worst Films Blue Fairy Has Ever Seen

When I am talking about the worst, I don’t mean the movies that are so bad they’re good. I am not talking about “Plan 9 from Outer Space,” or “The Room,” or “Troll 2,” which is actually one of my favorite films. No, I am talking about the films that were so ridiculously bad that they actually angered me. It’s very difficult for me to be angered by a film, or to think it’s so bad that I can’t defend it to other people. These are the films that I avidly disrespect, the ones that made me so teary eyed with rage that I almost don’t want to tell you about them, lest you seek them out on your own. Still, someone needs to warn the masses about these abominations, and I believe I am the one to do so, so here are my top ten worst films, of all time.

10. Nine ½ Weeks

I’m ranking this rather low but know my rage has never faltered, since first seeing it five years ago. I have watched plenty of erotic thrillers before and never found any of them as pathetic and boring as this film. The film was actually completed in 1984, but wasn’t released until 1986, and was met with mixed criticism and a meager box office return. The film subsequently became a cult hit and spawned two sequels. For many this is actually a good movie, what with its mix of eroticism and stark thrill, which is why I have it so low on the list. For me personally, I found this entire movie to be nothing all that interesting, especially boring, and kind of gross. Maybe I hated it because of the emotionally abusive tone of the relationship shown, or rather because “Fifty Shades of Grey,” is its direct heir, which was an especially infuriating movie. There’s also intense instances of what begins as sexual assault that gives way to passion, and seeing that unbalanced mix for the benefit of erotica is unsettling. While I don’t think this film is as bad as “Fifty Shades of Grey,” it’s as gross, mundane, and uninformative about BDSM, and is boring on top of it.

9. Silent House

Adapted from a 2010 Uruguyan horror film with the same plot and title, this film was lauded when it came out for looking like it was done in one continuous shot. Future starlet Elizabeth Olsen led the small cast as Sarah, a young woman who is staying with her father in her childhood home, out in the country. While elements of the film were very innovative and frightening, much of the fear experienced throughout the film came from cheap jump scares that have sadly overridden modern horror. While the film creates tension on paper, and has a stellar plot, the twist at the end feels forced and far too easy. It doesn’t help that every actor gives a stilted, over-the-top performance that feels unneeded and alienates the audience. While it’s clever to have a film that surrounds an interesting set of premises, the execution undervalued the entire production and made me angry. The ending was so disappointing, honestly I wanted to boo in the theater.

8. Gigli

For a solid month after this film was released, Conan O’Brien opened every show just by saying its name, and riffing on it for much of the monologue. Since then I have only heard mention of this infamous box office bomb occasionally. Everyone seemed to know that the film was bad, but they couldn’t a single reason for its absurdity. It’s difficult to describe all that’s wrong with this film because it doesn’t make a single right decision. The love triangle is one of the most poorly executed I have seen onscreen. The dialogue is so dumb it killed most of my brain cells, and the film is insensitive to lesbians, the mentally challenged, and Italian Americans. It’s harsh, and warped, and feels like you’re being punished for a crime you didn’t commit. Luckily people saw just how bad it was, and since its release it has become a notorious box office bomb, the winner of six Razzies, and is consistently listed as one of the worst films of all time. If you think I am being harsh seriously consider that Christopher Walken and Al Pacino are both in this film, and are barely noticed and made to say irredeemable dialogue.

7. Expecting

Usually I give a lot of lee-way to independent films, especially if they are directed by women. This isn’t because I think women are more attune to what I want to watch, or anything of the like, but because women are underrepresented in the film world and need to have their voices heard. Unlucky for me, this film had a pretty great looking trailer and a decent cast, and I was sadly tricked into watching it because of word of mouth. Michelle Monaghan’s character (Andie) is annoying, completely unrealistic, and sadistically unappealing. I felt so much disconnect between real humans and these characters, because they act like bad cartoons that won’t ever shut up. The plot is ridiculous and honestly no one feels like a realistic, or even empathetic character. There’s a reason no one has heard of, or remembers, this film’s release.

6. Left Behind

Nicholas Cage is an American treasure, and I will hear of nothing else. True, he hovers between innovative, sensational performances and accent work that boggles the mind at its inaccuracy, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. Well, maybe this film has partially shifted my opinion, if I am being honest. It’s not that “Left Behind,” isn’t schlock, it totally is. In the same vein as “Sharknado,” “Left Behind,” supposedly knows what it is and doesn’t overtly try to hide its sensationalist message. What remains odd about this film is that its message does not feel sincere. While Kirk Cameron’s 2000 version appealed to the severe Evangelical set, this film has no respect for Christians at all. Every Christian in this film comes off as a flighty, annoying sycophant who weighs down non-believers. The non-believers come off as rather empathetic and even sane compared to their Christian co-horts, and that makes this film both bad and twofaced. I would have much rather be preached to for an hour and a half rather than have my intelligence subject to ruin.

5. The Wedding Pact

It’s not really fair to be so harsh to a film like this. It’s basically like picking on “The Skateboard Kid,” or “A Talking Cat!?!” Still, there is no excuse for how ineffable this film is. Made for $750,000, everything about this film is cheap and lazy. The driving scenes look like someone shot them with their IPhone. The sets are all either repurposed stages or someone’s actual home. The acting is wooden, the dialogue is pathetically contrived, and the entire enterprise feels like a collective embarrassment on the part of the film’s cast and crew. Honestly, I can’t think of another film that I have seen that simply overwhelmed with its mediocrity. Haylie Duff is probably the best aspect of the film, because she at least has some professional experience, but for the most part this is an amateur and uncomfortable film.

4. Jack and Jill

How did this film get made? I understand that there are low bars with which we measure modern comedies, but this film would need to limbo until its back touched the ground in order to pass. Honestly, what the hell were studio execs thinking? This is such a garbage film that I thought it was made for a very low sum, went straight to VOD, and was forgotten, but no! It made $149.7 million, and opened at number one at the box office. In what world is that fair? Every aspect of this film is lazy, pandering, and obviously contrived. Watching the fake movie clips from “Funny People,” it’s clear where Sandler derived the inspiration to make this horror show. Adam Sandler, in my mind, really didn’t start going downhill until this movie was released. I could forgive “Little Nicky,” “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” and even “Just Go With It,” but this film turned me. I even tried to look past this film to the future, but then reports emerged of misogyny in Sandler’s casting calls, and reported racism against Native Americans on set, and I snapped. It would take a lot to win back my love at this point.

3. The Big Wedding

The premise revolves around a rich, affluent family who have an adoptive son from Colombia. When he gets married he invites his biological mother to the wedding, but alas she is Catholic and his parents are divorced. The rest of the film revolves around the family’s zany antics as they try to keep this secret from the biological mother, while also hiding the adoptive father’s girlfriend (Sarandon). The film stars Robert De Niro as a flat toned, brash misogynist who pits his past and present loves against each other. Every word out of his smug mouth made me cringe and audibly groan. It’s ridiculous that in this day and age we still let characters like this do and say such hideous things, and disguise them as endearing qualities. No one in this film is interesting, entertaining, or empathetic as a character. There’s nothing new, honest, or even weird about this film, which would have been some kind of saving grace. I loathe this film not just for being plain and petty, but for making me angry to the point of speechlessness.

2. Tiptoes

While this film is much more enjoyable to watch than other bad films, its choices are absolutely anger inducing, instead of humorous. This unexplainable mess was unearthed by Daniel Tosh for his show “Tosh.0” and watching him explain the film is probably better than actually watching the damn thing. No one comes out looking good in this movie. The entire cast is made up of people who would later go on to win actual Oscars, yet here they are playing meandering, odd creatures that do little and act peculiarly. Peter Dinklage has said that this film was actually beautiful before it was cut to shreds by the studio, but I highly doubt that. Gary Oldman has fake, puppet-like legs, and when he walks he’s obviously on his knees. Most of the film shows McConaughey as a normal sized person who is freaked out by the fact that his whole family are dwarves. When his girlfriend becomes pregnant, he becomes upset at the prospect of his child being a dwarf. It’s dumb. It’s a dumb premise, an insensitive film overall, making this the second worst thing I have ever seen. Only one other film could anger me more.

1. Swept Away

This is based on a 1974 Italian film of the same name, based on a parallel between class differences and sexual abuse. Though the original film was lauded, it was also a product of its time, and its country of origin. The remake has only negative attributes to its name. Directed by Guy Ritchie, in one of the worst career moves in all of human history, and starring Madonna and the original Italian actor’s son, Adriano Giannini, this movie was doomed from the start. Madonna is just a terrible actor, and here she is the focal point of the entire story, which obviously makes it that much more unbearable. In between the possible sexual assault and the dehumanizing behavior of Giannini’s character, there is a huge musical number, which undermines and confuses the rest of the film. The film would go on to win five Golden Raspberries and end Madonna’s acting career (thank God.) It makes me angry not just because it’s so unbelievably bad, but because it characterizes bad behavior by men as roguish and passionate instead of predatory.

Dishonorable Mentions

From Justin to Kelly

The acting is hammy, the music is blah, and the plot surrounds one bitchy friend who is supremely jealous of a post-Idol Kelly Clarkson. These are just some of the reasons that this obvious cash grab has become infamous and unloved by the masses.

Howard the Duck

Not only is this movie just the absolute worst, but it’s way too long! Honestly this was one of the hardest films I have ever had to sit through because it felt like it would never end. The action takes too long, the inner species relationship made me queasy, and the entire film makes little to no sense. I feel bad for Leah Thompson especially, who is making her second appearance on this list, after “Left Behind.”

Date Movie

What made me especially hate this film was the choice in humor, which included fat shaming, weird visual effects, and gross out humor. The film does do justice to actual romantic comedies, but between the sweet moments are disgusting ones that exist for no other reason than to appeal to the most unintelligent and juvenile sensibilities. This film has luckily kept me from watching others in of its ilk.

Dream House

The trailer gave away the twist, so watching it all the way through felt counterintuitive. While the premise sounds good on paper it’s actually a brutally slow, strange, and stupid mess that still angers me to this day. The only reason it’s not on the main list is that I hated other things much more.

The Gift

I very much detest this film, because though it was tense, the twist ending included one of the most deplorable, unneeded, flawed premises I have ever seen in a major theatrical release. Not only do I hate the ending, and think it makes little sense given what Simon (Bateman) does to Gordo (Edgerton) but I hate that this film is critically acclaimed, and has a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Maybe I’m missing something, or am too much of a prude, but I sincerely found the ending not to be upsetting so much as inadvertent given the rest of the film.